Ah…the mysterious relationship
between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.
While many from a Judeo-Christian point of view would like to turn to
the story of Naomi and Ruth as the perfect model of selfless love and
acceptance, the modern American reality is more like the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond. Ray was stuck
between the two women who love him; his wife and his mother. This iconic program used humor to touch on
the delicate in-law relationship.
I’ll never forget the first time I
met my mother-in-law. I was very
intimidated because she is an extremely intelligent woman with a PhD, is
organized, quiet in nature, and has probably read every etiquette book available. When we met I was immature, disorganized, a
dreamer, outspoken, and totally in love with her son. Nathan and I had only met a couple of months
before he asked me to meet his family. His
poor mother was not used to her son moving fast about anything especially when
it came to making life-long decisions.
So on Thanksgiving of 2005, Nathan
and I left Virginia to make the journey to see his family in New York. I was nervous but loved meeting new people so
of course I thought this would be a piece of cake and we’d all live happily
ever after. When we walked into the
Michalak home I realized immediately that Nathan’s family was the complete
opposite of mine. The house was eerily quiet
with no electronics in the background to fill the room with noise. I started to panic as I realized that they
wanted to just sit down and talk—for hours.
In between topics there would be complete silence, something I was not
used too. My family is noisy and we yell
over TV’s and even each other.
Soon, Nathan’s Mother asked me to
go alone with her for breakfast at Perkins restaurant where we ordered potato
pancakes. As we sat there eating, the
silence was killing me. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to just fill empty air
space with conversation. So, out of the
blue I said, “I want us to have a relationship like Ruth and Naomi…” She looked
at me and said nothing. I sat back in my
chair and tried to change the subject. Today,
as a mother I realize that I had freaked her out. Mainly, because I had just started dating her
son and she didn't know anything about me.
Nathan and I were engaged on New
Year’s and the wedding plans began.
Unfortunately this brought out the worst in our family dynamics. Wedding invitations were ordered and
re-ordered because of wording, there were location disagreements, and our
families were being hurt as fighting and emotional insecurities kept popping
up. I even thought about canceling the
wedding and told Nathan that I didn’t know if I could even be a part of his
family because we were so different. Nathan
stood up for me on multiple accounts but I can now see how utterly immature I
was behaving.
The back-drop for my mother-in-law was
that her husband had just been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer’s. Therefore, as I was making all of this about
me—I can now see that when Nathan’s mother may have seemed unreasonable it was
because not only was she losing her first born to marriage, but her husband was
dying right in front of her eyes every minute.
Nevertheless, on October 7, 2006 Nathan and I were married--but not
without trials.
There was a major storm that
wrecked our wedding venue and it began to look like there wouldn't even be a
wedding. Then, all of our family and friends came together to plan a whole new
wedding in just four hours. We were
married in a location I had never seen until I actually walked down the
aisle. Instead of our plantation wedding
by the river-- we were married in an old furniture store that now held an art
gallery. It was a wedding miracle and
Nathan and I couldn't have been more filled with joy that day. It ended up being the best celebration we
could have imagined given the circumstances, leaving us with the message that
love really can overcome all
obstacles.
Unfortunately, this model of “catastrophe-before-connecting”
became a pattern in our first years of marriage in regards to the in-law
relationship. Time and time again,
Nathan’s mother and I would hurt each other and would have misunderstandings
forcing us to discuss the uncomfortable friction in our relationship. Often Nathan’s mother would feel we were
insensitive to the disease she was caring for each day. While we felt she was expecting too much of a
newly married couple. However, in the midst of this mess, our relationship
began to grow. With each coming conflict—we didn't allow division, but would
face it and accept each other through the trial. Then four years into our marriage Nathan and
I became parents ourselves.
While being pregnant with our
first, something began to change—in me.
I realized that Nathan’s mother did not have a daughter so she would
never be able to sit in the labor and delivery room while watching her
grandchild be born. As it came time for
my delivery I asked her to stay in the room so that she could watch the birth
of her first granddaughter. And it was
not pretty, I pushed for two hours, so needless to say—she saw everything that
most women would never want their mother-in-laws or anyone else for that
matter, to see. Eventually, as a Mom and
working a career as a TV Producer, I completely became a different person. As Nathan’s mother now says, “you are more
Michalak than the Michalak’s.” I became
type A, organized, and slower to speak.
In this time-frame Nathan’s mother became more outspoken, a little less
organized, and we grew to love one another like… Ruth and Naomi.
Today, my in-laws don’t live next
door to me like Everybody Loves Raymond,
however, they did move to the neighborhood next to mine. Together, we work as a unit caring for my
father-in-law and our two daughters. We
are going on a ten-year battle with Alzheimer’s as it attacks one of the
kindest, loving, and most positive people I have ever met in my life. My Mother-in-law is now one of my best friends,
role models, and confidantes. We are not
perfect and can still have our struggles like any other family, however, we are
more apt to speak up and be honest with our needs.
When I think back to that moment in
a Perkins restaurant 10 years earlier--I realize that an immature future
daughter-in-law did speak a heart-felt goal for a mother and daughter-in-law
relationship. However, I never knew the
sacrifices it would take to have a Ruth/Naomi style bond. Both of us have had to die to ourselves, grow spiritually, and
become more connected. I can see now
that through all of our pain and misunderstandings God has birthed a selfless
love and a friendship that will last a lifetime.
